Ep 9: 30-by-30 series part 3

Experience creates confidence

You only know you can do something once you try it. You can prepare and dream about it all you want. But until you are actually in the arena, you will not understand what it’s like. Once you get to the point that you’re doing it, you begin to get more confident in your skills to get it done. 

“To stretch is to place ourselves in situations that expose us to the risk of failure” - Chip & Dan Heath, The Power of Moments

Self-insight rarely comes from us staying inside our heads, we learn from experience.

We don’t know we CAN do it until we do do it 

Radical Confidence by Lisa Bilyeu

“Not knowing how to do something is not - I repeat, not - a failure. It’s a goddamn opportunity. When you have radical confidence, every time you’re presented with something you’ve never done before, something you have to learn to do, you can choose to see it as a chance to grow, change, and get better.”

Quit Like a Woman by Holly Whitaker

“Discernment should come from experience, not just judgment or what your friend Sally said about kundalini awakenings or what your uncle Ken said about the Fellowship.”

We have to judge based on our OWN experiences and perceptions due to our own bias. We have to first experience it before we hate it. 

BE READY SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO GET READY

Define your cost for success, and be ready to pay for it 

This phrase recently popped up in my life as I’m figuring out what I want to do with my future. What am I willing to give up? What am I willing to do to become that person I want to be?! This concept is by no means new

There is actually research that correlates positive life satisfaction with achievement

Corey Wilks, Psy.D., author of a psychology today article wrote, “Success is an ever-evolving, multifaceted, complex interconnectedness of deep existential identity issues, interpersonal dynamics, and constantly reconsidering and renegotiating the balance between “enough” and “more.””

We have to decide what success looks like to us then decide if the pros outweigh the cons. Then actively participate in the decision to become the successful version of ourselves that we want to see. 

So take a moment to envision what the most successful version of yourself looks like and act on it! 

Glimmer moments

The term was coined by Deb Dana, a licensed clinical social worker, in her book The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy. Here she shares that glimmers are actually “micro-moments”  that can shape our nervous system in a safe direction in gentle ways. 

Much like triggers, these are moments that can make us feel something. Unlike triggers that spark sadness, fear, or anger, glimmers are associated with positive feelings like happiness, awe or joy, and overall safety in the moment. 

Glimmers are moments that we have to be fully present in to feel the warmth of their internal and external cues of mood elevation. 

These typically happen when you’re watching a sunset, enjoying you favorite song as it plays in the grocery store, or even just stopping to smell the roses. 

But the point of them is to be fully present in the moment and allow the positive feelings to wash over you. 

Glimmers are important to our health because they can literally counteract the effects of daily stress as they bring you to the present moment. They allow you to be grateful which in turn lessens anxiety. Research even indicates that these “fleeting positive emotions can have long-lasting, supportive consequences on personal growth and social connection”

People don’t always have to recharge your battery, but they shouldn’t be draining it.

Part of the Self-Help Theory is the 3 C’s which contains communication, connection, and community. These 3 things are so important to us as humans because they create the belonging and safety we need to survive. It used to be for survival purposes, the more humans together the better chance against predators, however it’s turned into something different now that we aren’t living in huts and caves. 

But when it comes time to create these boundaries and communicate our needs, a lot of us lack the ability to say no or to allow ourselves the grace to recharge our batteries or refill our cups. That being said, when we are building our communities and connections, we should choose those who do not drain emotional and mental wellbeing. 

I’m not saying that everytime you see someone they have to fill your cup or help recharge your battery, but you do not have to subject yourself to those who do nothing but drain you. Especially those who will not listen when you do say no or only worry about themselves when you’re with them. 

Thinking about this, you also need to know when to say that’s enough and leave or how to regain some of that battery. Obviously there are situations where you cannot help but be around them, like at work or family holidays, however you do not have to over extend yourself if they drain you more than those you CHOOSE to have around. 

Biggest advice i can give to follow this is, if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no.

You don’t need alcohol to have fun

If ONLY I knew i didn’t have to have alcohol to still feel okay in a social setting. I still enjoy all the same activities I did before, just without the hangovers and the cost. 

“Ethanol, also commonly called alcohol, ethyl alcohol, and drinking alcohol, is the principal type of alcohol found in alcoholic beverages, produced by the fermentation of sugars by yeasts. It is a neurotoxic, psychoactive drug, and one of the oldest recreational drugs. Ethanol is a volatile, flammable, colorless liquid with a slight chemical odor. It is used as an antiseptic, a solvent, in medical wipes and antibacterial formulas because it kills organisms by denaturing their proteins. Ethanol is an important industrial ingredient. Ethanol is a good general purpose solvent, and is found in paints, tinctures, markers, and personal care products such as perfumes and deodorants. The largest single use of ethanol is as an engine fuel and fuel additive.” -page 26, Quit Like a Woman, Holly Whitaker

The whole point to be healing, sobriety is just a step in that process. Make the choice to quit drinking. 

Listen to my story with alcohol on this episode!